Here I sit, a little more than 24 hours before my surgery. I was completely okay with everything and looking forward to this..... and here I am now having panic attacks and freaking out! My clear liquid diet has begun and I am STARVING so that's not helping. *UGH* I went to my favorite board, Hystersisters, to find the comfort that has helped me these last 3 weeks but instead I found that it only made me more anxious. WHY?? Why all of the sudden am I freaking out??
I think a BIG part of it is that at my pre-op on Tuesday, my doctor decided to add to my surgery list vaginal reconstruction. When I had my middle son, my labia minora got torn on both sides and they never stitched it up. So here I am, nearly 10 years later STILL feeling like a freak and not quite the woman I could be. This surgery will make me whole again...literally! But at the same time, the pain afterwards has me shuddering when I think about it. They have to shave off skin on both sides to stitch it back together which will make my labia minora a bit shorter than normal. Sexually she said that will be a HUGE bonus.... but the pain is all I can focus on right now.
*UGH* I wish this time would just fly by so I can just get it over with and stop fretting. At least when I go to my board I see that I'm not alone. There are a lot of women there having surgery my same day - my hyster-date-sisters. It's a HUGE comfort to have that board. To know that every single woman there knows and understands what I'm going through. Whoever founded that board is a God send! There are litteraly hundreds of women that go there - either by guest or registered. I can't imagine how many women it has helped... but I know it has helped me. I know, I keep jumping around in this. My head is just swimming and I can't help but jumble my thoughts trying to distract myself. I guess I'll go to bed now and try to watch some TV and sleep. How I wish I could just EAT!!!!!!!!!!............LOL
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Another BEAUTIFUL day!
I am sooooo loving this beautiful weather we've been having! It's been so nice being able to spend the entire day outside and not freeze my bum off. I'm one of those weird people that likes to do gardening so I've been doing a lot of that lately. Now if only I could rush my plants into blooming so I can have pretty flowers and fresh fruits and veggies. lol
Things around the house are slowly coming together, though it's not making time go by much faster. :( Last night I spent a few hours in the garage organizing and cleaning. Joe makes such a mess out there and being as OCD as I am, it drives me insane!!!! We've still had the doghouse out back from before we lost Kya so I brought that around and put it in the garage. The cats have always liked it and since Leo is too big for it, I figured the cats could have it. If we decide to try again for another dog somewhere down the road, at least we'll still have the doghouse. I also got the pool up and going yesterday as well. I hate setting that thing up because then I have to listen to the kids complain for 3-4 hours while it fills up! But at least they have something else besides the trampoline to play on out back, maybe they'll actually stay home more often now. lol
I better get going now. Today's agenda includes planting my tulips and new hibiscus tree. Cleaning the bathrooms. Washing all of the bed linens. Going through the upstairs attic. Dusting. And going through my clothes finally to pack up the winter attire. Gonna be a long day but I want all of this stuff done before surgery so I'm not recovering and rushing myself so I can get to it. I'm bad about that! LOL Have a fantastic day!!!
Things around the house are slowly coming together, though it's not making time go by much faster. :( Last night I spent a few hours in the garage organizing and cleaning. Joe makes such a mess out there and being as OCD as I am, it drives me insane!!!! We've still had the doghouse out back from before we lost Kya so I brought that around and put it in the garage. The cats have always liked it and since Leo is too big for it, I figured the cats could have it. If we decide to try again for another dog somewhere down the road, at least we'll still have the doghouse. I also got the pool up and going yesterday as well. I hate setting that thing up because then I have to listen to the kids complain for 3-4 hours while it fills up! But at least they have something else besides the trampoline to play on out back, maybe they'll actually stay home more often now. lol
I better get going now. Today's agenda includes planting my tulips and new hibiscus tree. Cleaning the bathrooms. Washing all of the bed linens. Going through the upstairs attic. Dusting. And going through my clothes finally to pack up the winter attire. Gonna be a long day but I want all of this stuff done before surgery so I'm not recovering and rushing myself so I can get to it. I'm bad about that! LOL Have a fantastic day!!!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
12 days to go!
And I am finally coming to grips with it. I'm still nervous, don't get me wrong - but I keep focusing on why I am having this done and it keeps me reminded that this is actually a blessing to me. I am so sick of having menses and of being in pain! I'm going to have a party next weekend as a "uterus retirement" celebration for one last bash as an "in tact" woman! haha My aunt told me that we should have a sterilization party since my uncle is now scheduled for a vasectomy on the 16th. What a party that would be. LOL
I've been trying to find ways to keep myself busy to try to coax the days into going faster for me. I swear that time has decided to go at a steady crawl as a cruel joke on my part since I finally got scheduled. Today was a very productive day! I finally went and bought my vegetables for planting. Then I came home and decided on a definite place to put my new garden and began digging my heart out. Got about halfway through when I lost my footing on my shovel and slipped. Snapped my ankle but luckily no breaks! It's a nice shade of purple and blue and swollen but as long as it's not broke, I'm fine. I need NOTHING stopping this surgery from happening! God was telling me to slow down and was making sure I did. Joe finished the digging and I sat on my garden stool and filled it in with my soils. Joey helped me plant our strawberry patch, blackberry bush, green and red bell peppers, and tomato plants. But the gray skies started to roll in (hmmm, maybe a second hint from God to just stop and relax? lol) so we gave up for today. The onions and rhubarb will go in tomorrow. The rain never did come, go figure, so I got back up and watered the garden and went out front to weed and water my flower gardens as well before relaxing for awhile again.
Of course I didn't stay down long. Once I was iced up and numb, I got in a huge cleaning frenzy! I completely took my kitchen apart and reorganized and cleaned everything. Standing mixer even got taken apart and thoroughly cleaned! The pantry has never looked better and you can actually find everything in the fridge now. All of the doorknobs and light switches and faucets have been properly sanitized in the whole house. All cabinets reorganized and decluttered. Today still went by slow but at least I was too busy to pay much attention. If this keeps up, my house will be spotless come "castle day". I'm striving for that because the Lord knows that by the time I'm able to get back to cleaning properly, all of the testosterone driven males around here will have this house flipped upside down! I also need to start cooking meals to freeze, can't quite seem to get it together to do it though. Hopefully it kicks in soon, I'm running out of time! But anyhow, it's late now and I'm nice and exhausted. Time to hobble myself upstairs and to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day! =)
I've been trying to find ways to keep myself busy to try to coax the days into going faster for me. I swear that time has decided to go at a steady crawl as a cruel joke on my part since I finally got scheduled. Today was a very productive day! I finally went and bought my vegetables for planting. Then I came home and decided on a definite place to put my new garden and began digging my heart out. Got about halfway through when I lost my footing on my shovel and slipped. Snapped my ankle but luckily no breaks! It's a nice shade of purple and blue and swollen but as long as it's not broke, I'm fine. I need NOTHING stopping this surgery from happening! God was telling me to slow down and was making sure I did. Joe finished the digging and I sat on my garden stool and filled it in with my soils. Joey helped me plant our strawberry patch, blackberry bush, green and red bell peppers, and tomato plants. But the gray skies started to roll in (hmmm, maybe a second hint from God to just stop and relax? lol) so we gave up for today. The onions and rhubarb will go in tomorrow. The rain never did come, go figure, so I got back up and watered the garden and went out front to weed and water my flower gardens as well before relaxing for awhile again.
Of course I didn't stay down long. Once I was iced up and numb, I got in a huge cleaning frenzy! I completely took my kitchen apart and reorganized and cleaned everything. Standing mixer even got taken apart and thoroughly cleaned! The pantry has never looked better and you can actually find everything in the fridge now. All of the doorknobs and light switches and faucets have been properly sanitized in the whole house. All cabinets reorganized and decluttered. Today still went by slow but at least I was too busy to pay much attention. If this keeps up, my house will be spotless come "castle day". I'm striving for that because the Lord knows that by the time I'm able to get back to cleaning properly, all of the testosterone driven males around here will have this house flipped upside down! I also need to start cooking meals to freeze, can't quite seem to get it together to do it though. Hopefully it kicks in soon, I'm running out of time! But anyhow, it's late now and I'm nice and exhausted. Time to hobble myself upstairs and to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day! =)
Monday, April 30, 2007
Just another day
Nothing too much different today. I'm feeling a bit better about surgery after reading some of the updates on HysterSisters and also talking to a few people that I know who have had hysterectomies. I think I'm just scared because of the unknown. I hate to not be control and know exactly what is going on and as with any surgery, there is no one that can tell you that information. And as suspected, the days seem to be getting longer and longer as I wait. 18 more days. I think I'm going to start doing some stuff around the house like re-organizing to try to make the days go by faster. Now, do I have enough to keep me busy for 2.5 more weeks? Hmmmm.....
On the (sort-of) upside, we've had a new addition to the family. Yesterday I found the most beautiful Golden Retriever that the owners could no longer keep. She is AKC and has been through obedience training. I just couldn't pass her up, I have wanted a Golden Retriever for more than 10 years! Plus our other dog, Leo, really needed a companion. He's a Golden Retriever/Saint Bernard mix. She's not doing too bad so far but she definitely misses "home". She lays by the front door and anytime anyone opens the door, she tries to go out. I feel so bad for her but know that I can love her and give her the life that she deserves. The only problem is, my husband doesn't feel the same way! I just know he's not a dog person though he denies it. But we have major different views on dogs. I believe they, like any pet, are part of your family and should be treated that way. He believes they are only animals and all dogs should be kept outdoors only. Probably why he hates that I have now brought home 2 dogs that live inside. LOL Heidi is used to being outdoors but it is soooo hot outside that I don't have the heart to allow them to stay out all the time. I'm hoping that we can make this work but Joe is so furious that I got her that I'm not 100% he will let me keep her. That breaks my heart!
Other than that, nothing else is new. I have to be off now to water my flower garden and walk my dogs. Have a great day!
On the (sort-of) upside, we've had a new addition to the family. Yesterday I found the most beautiful Golden Retriever that the owners could no longer keep. She is AKC and has been through obedience training. I just couldn't pass her up, I have wanted a Golden Retriever for more than 10 years! Plus our other dog, Leo, really needed a companion. He's a Golden Retriever/Saint Bernard mix. She's not doing too bad so far but she definitely misses "home". She lays by the front door and anytime anyone opens the door, she tries to go out. I feel so bad for her but know that I can love her and give her the life that she deserves. The only problem is, my husband doesn't feel the same way! I just know he's not a dog person though he denies it. But we have major different views on dogs. I believe they, like any pet, are part of your family and should be treated that way. He believes they are only animals and all dogs should be kept outdoors only. Probably why he hates that I have now brought home 2 dogs that live inside. LOL Heidi is used to being outdoors but it is soooo hot outside that I don't have the heart to allow them to stay out all the time. I'm hoping that we can make this work but Joe is so furious that I got her that I'm not 100% he will let me keep her. That breaks my heart!
Other than that, nothing else is new. I have to be off now to water my flower garden and walk my dogs. Have a great day!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
*UGH*
Here it is in the afternoon and I haven't even been awake but for 2 hours. I was so riled up last night that I couldn't get to sleep despite the fact that I was completely exhausted! I don't know why this is bothering me all of the sudden, seems so retarded! I have been reading a lot on HysterSisters and it has brought up so much that I didn't even think about. Like with losing my cervix, will I always be dry? With leaving my oavries, will I still ovulate and how? When will I go through menopause? How about if they take one ovary or both? What is the difference there?
I made a list last night of questions to ask the doctor at my pre-op appointment on the 12th and also a list of things to take to the hospital. HS has been a great site for those things! I of course added a couple of things to their list of what to take - like I read in one post, taking an iPod seems like staple! I'll definitely be taking mine with a charger because even though I'm a Medical Assistant, I still hate hospitals and have the hardest time sleeping there. I'll also take some crossword puzzle books to keep me busy when I'm alone up there. Of course make up and a curling iron because heaven forbid I look like crap after surgery! LOL I know I won't be up to doing my hair but my sister is coming up so she'll fix it for me. God love her!
I hate to admit this but I am going to begging people to come visit me. With Joe working 2 jobs, that will leave a LOT of time with me being alone post-op. I don't think I can handle that! I know, I know, I'm a chicken. I can't help it, hospitals creep me out. Anyway, I better get to cleaning the house and preparing dinner. Not to mention praying harder that God help me find peace. LOL
I made a list last night of questions to ask the doctor at my pre-op appointment on the 12th and also a list of things to take to the hospital. HS has been a great site for those things! I of course added a couple of things to their list of what to take - like I read in one post, taking an iPod seems like staple! I'll definitely be taking mine with a charger because even though I'm a Medical Assistant, I still hate hospitals and have the hardest time sleeping there. I'll also take some crossword puzzle books to keep me busy when I'm alone up there. Of course make up and a curling iron because heaven forbid I look like crap after surgery! LOL I know I won't be up to doing my hair but my sister is coming up so she'll fix it for me. God love her!
I hate to admit this but I am going to begging people to come visit me. With Joe working 2 jobs, that will leave a LOT of time with me being alone post-op. I don't think I can handle that! I know, I know, I'm a chicken. I can't help it, hospitals creep me out. Anyway, I better get to cleaning the house and preparing dinner. Not to mention praying harder that God help me find peace. LOL
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Just beginning...
I am starting this new blog to keep record of my journey through this new phase in my life.
I have been having a lot of female problems the last few years since having my third son. The last 2 years have been the hardest with non-stop bleeding, way out of whack hormones, up and down moods, and trying to tackle anxiety and agoraphobia at the same time. I have seen countless doctors and always walked away with only hormone pills though one did actually do bloodwork and classified me as perimenopausal. I finally found a doctor that would actually listen to me and due to this, I am now preparing for an LVAH - laprascopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy. I wanted this surgery and even pushed for it after being so tired of going through this - yet now that it's in the works and it's only 3 weeks away, I'm terrified! I'm not worried that first bit about being put under and going through the surgery itself. That part is a breeze! I'm scared of what it will be like afterwards. How I feel knowing that I no longer have a cervix and uterus and possibly no ovaries. What changes my body and moods will go through afterwards. How my husband will view me once it's over.
I guess I just kind of feel like I'm losing what truly makes me a woman - I will no longer be whole. And that is what worries me with Joe...will he view me that way as well? He's being super supportive and helping get things in order pre-surgery so that things go smoothly for all 3 boys and him and I. He can be such a great guy in situations like this. But I can't help but wonder if this will change the way he looks at me. Our marriage isn't in the best of shape right now but we are in counseling now. I just don't want this to negatively impact us. I know for at least 6 weeks it will be rough due to the fact that we cannot have sex but it's not like we can now. Since the bleeding began, I haven't really been able to except once in a very blue moon. The bleeding has caused swelling and tenderness and sex is just unmanageable with the pain.
Why is it when you have something big coming up like this, irrational fears pop into your head? You know that it's not going to happen that way yet you can't stop worrying about it? I know Joe will be great through my recovery and both of our families are stepping up to the plate to help us out yet I can't stop these stupid questions from flying around my brain! It makes no sense!!! God, I have to go through this for 3 more weeks too...... *UGH* Luckily I was referred to a wonderful site strictly for women who are facing or have gone through a hysterectomy. I know I'll be using the board a lot for support and answers and maybe even comfort. I would suggest anyone facing this visit them!
Hysterectomy Support by HysterSisters.com
I have been having a lot of female problems the last few years since having my third son. The last 2 years have been the hardest with non-stop bleeding, way out of whack hormones, up and down moods, and trying to tackle anxiety and agoraphobia at the same time. I have seen countless doctors and always walked away with only hormone pills though one did actually do bloodwork and classified me as perimenopausal. I finally found a doctor that would actually listen to me and due to this, I am now preparing for an LVAH - laprascopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy. I wanted this surgery and even pushed for it after being so tired of going through this - yet now that it's in the works and it's only 3 weeks away, I'm terrified! I'm not worried that first bit about being put under and going through the surgery itself. That part is a breeze! I'm scared of what it will be like afterwards. How I feel knowing that I no longer have a cervix and uterus and possibly no ovaries. What changes my body and moods will go through afterwards. How my husband will view me once it's over.
I guess I just kind of feel like I'm losing what truly makes me a woman - I will no longer be whole. And that is what worries me with Joe...will he view me that way as well? He's being super supportive and helping get things in order pre-surgery so that things go smoothly for all 3 boys and him and I. He can be such a great guy in situations like this. But I can't help but wonder if this will change the way he looks at me. Our marriage isn't in the best of shape right now but we are in counseling now. I just don't want this to negatively impact us. I know for at least 6 weeks it will be rough due to the fact that we cannot have sex but it's not like we can now. Since the bleeding began, I haven't really been able to except once in a very blue moon. The bleeding has caused swelling and tenderness and sex is just unmanageable with the pain.
Why is it when you have something big coming up like this, irrational fears pop into your head? You know that it's not going to happen that way yet you can't stop worrying about it? I know Joe will be great through my recovery and both of our families are stepping up to the plate to help us out yet I can't stop these stupid questions from flying around my brain! It makes no sense!!! God, I have to go through this for 3 more weeks too...... *UGH* Luckily I was referred to a wonderful site strictly for women who are facing or have gone through a hysterectomy. I know I'll be using the board a lot for support and answers and maybe even comfort. I would suggest anyone facing this visit them!
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