It's setting in now!

Here I sit, a little more than 24 hours before my surgery. I was completely okay with everything and looking forward to this..... and here I am now having panic attacks and freaking out! My clear liquid diet has begun and I am STARVING so that's not helping. *UGH* I went to my favorite board, Hystersisters, to find the comfort that has helped me these last 3 weeks but instead I found that it only made me more anxious. WHY?? Why all of the sudden am I freaking out??

I think a BIG part of it is that at my pre-op on Tuesday, my doctor decided to add to my surgery list vaginal reconstruction. When I had my middle son, my labia minora got torn on both sides and they never stitched it up. So here I am, nearly 10 years later STILL feeling like a freak and not quite the woman I could be. This surgery will make me whole again...literally! But at the same time, the pain afterwards has me shuddering when I think about it. They have to shave off skin on both sides to stitch it back together which will make my labia minora a bit shorter than normal. Sexually she said that will be a HUGE bonus.... but the pain is all I can focus on right now.

*UGH* I wish this time would just fly by so I can just get it over with and stop fretting. At least when I go to my board I see that I'm not alone. There are a lot of women there having surgery my same day - my hyster-date-sisters. It's a HUGE comfort to have that board. To know that every single woman there knows and understands what I'm going through. Whoever founded that board is a God send! There are litteraly hundreds of women that go there - either by guest or registered. I can't imagine how many women it has helped... but I know it has helped me. I know, I keep jumping around in this. My head is just swimming and I can't help but jumble my thoughts trying to distract myself. I guess I'll go to bed now and try to watch some TV and sleep. How I wish I could just EAT!!!!!!!!!!............LOL

Another BEAUTIFUL day!

I am sooooo loving this beautiful weather we've been having! It's been so nice being able to spend the entire day outside and not freeze my bum off. I'm one of those weird people that likes to do gardening so I've been doing a lot of that lately. Now if only I could rush my plants into blooming so I can have pretty flowers and fresh fruits and veggies. lol

Things around the house are slowly coming together, though it's not making time go by much faster. :( Last night I spent a few hours in the garage organizing and cleaning. Joe makes such a mess out there and being as OCD as I am, it drives me insane!!!! We've still had the doghouse out back from before we lost Kya so I brought that around and put it in the garage. The cats have always liked it and since Leo is too big for it, I figured the cats could have it. If we decide to try again for another dog somewhere down the road, at least we'll still have the doghouse. I also got the pool up and going yesterday as well. I hate setting that thing up because then I have to listen to the kids complain for 3-4 hours while it fills up! But at least they have something else besides the trampoline to play on out back, maybe they'll actually stay home more often now. lol

I better get going now. Today's agenda includes planting my tulips and new hibiscus tree. Cleaning the bathrooms. Washing all of the bed linens. Going through the upstairs attic. Dusting. And going through my clothes finally to pack up the winter attire. Gonna be a long day but I want all of this stuff done before surgery so I'm not recovering and rushing myself so I can get to it. I'm bad about that! LOL Have a fantastic day!!!

12 days to go!

And I am finally coming to grips with it. I'm still nervous, don't get me wrong - but I keep focusing on why I am having this done and it keeps me reminded that this is actually a blessing to me. I am so sick of having menses and of being in pain! I'm going to have a party next weekend as a "uterus retirement" celebration for one last bash as an "in tact" woman! haha My aunt told me that we should have a sterilization party since my uncle is now scheduled for a vasectomy on the 16th. What a party that would be. LOL

I've been trying to find ways to keep myself busy to try to coax the days into going faster for me. I swear that time has decided to go at a steady crawl as a cruel joke on my part since I finally got scheduled. Today was a very productive day! I finally went and bought my vegetables for planting. Then I came home and decided on a definite place to put my new garden and began digging my heart out. Got about halfway through when I lost my footing on my shovel and slipped. Snapped my ankle but luckily no breaks! It's a nice shade of purple and blue and swollen but as long as it's not broke, I'm fine. I need NOTHING stopping this surgery from happening! God was telling me to slow down and was making sure I did. Joe finished the digging and I sat on my garden stool and filled it in with my soils. Joey helped me plant our strawberry patch, blackberry bush, green and red bell peppers, and tomato plants. But the gray skies started to roll in (hmmm, maybe a second hint from God to just stop and relax? lol) so we gave up for today. The onions and rhubarb will go in tomorrow. The rain never did come, go figure, so I got back up and watered the garden and went out front to weed and water my flower gardens as well before relaxing for awhile again.

Of course I didn't stay down long. Once I was iced up and numb, I got in a huge cleaning frenzy! I completely took my kitchen apart and reorganized and cleaned everything. Standing mixer even got taken apart and thoroughly cleaned! The pantry has never looked better and you can actually find everything in the fridge now. All of the doorknobs and light switches and faucets have been properly sanitized in the whole house. All cabinets reorganized and decluttered. Today still went by slow but at least I was too busy to pay much attention. If this keeps up, my house will be spotless come "castle day". I'm striving for that because the Lord knows that by the time I'm able to get back to cleaning properly, all of the testosterone driven males around here will have this house flipped upside down! I also need to start cooking meals to freeze, can't quite seem to get it together to do it though. Hopefully it kicks in soon, I'm running out of time! But anyhow, it's late now and I'm nice and exhausted. Time to hobble myself upstairs and to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day! =)